BridgeGate20.com

HARRISBURG, Pa.-In what is sure to be the biggest courtroom clash since the last one, a class action suit had been filed in federal court against the Dover Area School Board for not allowing the teaching of Intelligent Design in school science classes. The twist? This time, it’s the monkeys themselves bringing the suit.

In a startling and unprecedented move, several Bornean Orangutans from the Pittsburgh zoo have sued the school district, insisting that Intelligent Design not only be taught in science classes but the theory of evolution be stricken from textbooks

These Orangutans, or Pongo pygmaeus, are offended by the idea that they are related to people, and think Intelligent Design is the best alternative out there.

One of the plaintiffs, Cuddles, explained her position through a sign language interpreter: “That apes and humans descended from a common ancestor is just a disgusting thought. I’m appalled, frankly. I mean, look at you. Massive poverty, genocide, suffering, violence. Look how you treat your kind. People are horrible, horrible creatures.”

She continued, “Have you seen some of the porn on your internet? I can’t believe humans pee on each other. And don’t get me started on the Tuesday night lineup on ABC. Only true barbarians would keep According to Jim on the air. That I’m related to people in any way should be rejected on face value, let alone be taught in science classes.”

The details of the apes’ replacement theory are still ambiguous. One version of Intelligent Design posits elements of nature are so complex that they must have been created by a higher force. Among some of the more controversial elements of the ape theory include the idea that this “intelligent designer” of the entire universe is actually a 50 foot tall super smart ape similar to King Kong.

Attorneys representing the school board have questioned the true motives of the apes. In a written statement, school board lawyers claimed the suit was just a cheap parlor trick to manipulate the public and avoid the fact that humans and apes are related through evolution.

But the primates remain undeterred. Bubba, another plaintiff in the suit, has similar thoughts- “Man did not come from apes. Gorillas, bonobos, chimpanzees, gibbons, we’re all united. I mean, have you seen the contestants on American Idol? Ugh. You humans are just awful. Unlike evolution, Intelligent Design makes the case we’re not associated with you at all!”

A U.S. Supreme Court ruling in 1987 decried schools could not require creationism to balance the teaching of evolution. This new lawsuit brought on by the apes may eventually make it up to the conservative justices recently appointed by president George W. Bush. As a result the ruling may be different.

Bush even weighed in on the teaching of the possibility that a super intelligent, furry orangutan created the universe. “I think that part of education is to expose people to different schools of thought,” Bush said. “You’re asking me whether or not people ought to be exposed to different ideas, the answer is yes.”

Fwips News Service

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The Metropolitan Museum of Art, having recently agreed to return one of the finest vases in its collection from the Classical Age of Ancient Greece, has also consented to return the collected toilet seats from the ancient Cretan port city of Ephesus.

The decision has come as a welcome relief to the Greek tourist board, whose embarrassed guides annually answer the same question that tourists ask approximately a thousand times a day. The innocent travelers behold the long cement benches with curious holes that grace an area of their walking tour.

Philippe de Montebello, Director of the Metropolitan Museum, stated, “I felt returning the priceless vase was the correct step for us to take. It was a pirated item, and I dress far too nattily to be imagined with a piratical patch over one eye. As far as the return of the toilet seats is concerned, we had kept them in storage, because space at the Met is limited, particularly in regard to items I personally prefer not to put on display. So, hearing about the plight of the tour guides, I decided that shipping these less-than-priceless thrones back to Greece is the thoughtful thing to do.”

Tour guides cheered the decision. It remains to be determined if the Greek government will consent to put one on display at Ephesus or will, as the Met did, insist on keeping them private.

Tom Attea, creator of Newslaugh.com, has had six shows produced Off-Broadway and has written comedy for TV. Critics have called his writing “”delightfully funny” and “witty” with “good, genuine laughs.”

Copyright The Quipping Queen 2005.

NAME THAT PLANET

Or, who put the ram in rama-dama-ding-dong…I’d like to shake his hand?

By Ovid Publius Hadweenzic, an errant Knight-In-Shining Armor, with a trusty thirty-pound encyclopedia under his arm to keep him warm at night, a bag of dog biscuits to keep strange critters happy, and a wooden hobby-horse which he rides every now and then to remind him that he’s destined to become the world’s first cosmic cowboy catapulted into space

The world of late has been faced with a new conundrum, (as if we haven’t got enough to keep us busy for the next millennium). What to call the newly discovered 10th planet of our solar system?

Scientists were sick and tired of calling the nameless nuisance holding up the rear of the universe, “2003 UB313″. And, politicians the world over needed something to distract the hungry hordes. The latter were totally bummed out about having to put up with the usual ration of bread and circuses, and were preparing to stomp all over the newly-planted flower beds, hurl hanging baskets about with glee, and encourage their precious pets to piddle or poop on the well-manicured lawns outside the seats of government.

While spin doctors spun their wheels aimlessly and birds began to twitter off-key, bigwigs stopped clipping their coupons, playing a round of golf and pressing the flesh. Minor minions also decided to get in on the act of being totally dumbfounded as to what to do.

They were all in a deep and dark funk. And, popping “happy” pills did not seem to relieve them of their profound perturbation about the possibility that some “rogue astronomer” might leap up and take credit for discovering the newest heavenly body. More to the point, they feared their worst nightmare might actually come true …and shudder the thought …that some renegade rascal of a rapscallion would name the latest addition to our solar system … “The Big Bopper”.

So, while it’s comfy to know that “2003 UB313″ regularly orbits the sun (like anyone really gives a hoot), and is larger than Pluto (not that anyone’s been out there lately with a measuring tape to confirm this of course), the real issue at hand is giving the number a human face as it were.

After all, if there’s one thing savvy, consumer-conscious human beings can’t stand is not having a brand-name label and familiar image they can trust attached to all their stuff. And, who knows for Pete’s sake just what treasures and treats lie waiting beneath the surface of “2003 UB313″ to be pinched, pillaged, or plundered!

In order to avoid a long, drawn-out competition between roving bands of nincompoops and ninnyheads inhabiting Earth, (all of whom claim to have spotted the ‘whatchamacallit’ with their backyard binoculars), it was decided that something had to be done, and fast.

Concern that the identification of a new planet might spark a celestial civil war, (as the other nine blessed bodies with deep roots among the Greek and Roman Gods were not exactly thrilled about the news of a new mythical deity in the neighborhood trying to horn in on their sacred solar system), all of which prompted the United Nations to convene an extraordinary meeting to deliberate upon the matter.

Meanwhile, long-forgotten mythical deities seeking a new lease on life were threatening to cash in their “Get Out of Jail Free Card”, not to mention demanding a “Free Lunch” in addition to exercising their “Equal Opportunity Rights”.

Fortunately, one dedicated diplomat from the land of ice and snow stepped forward to announce that he had a suggestion. Why not invoke the “not withstanding clause” in a repatriated Canadian constitution — it might just do the trick. When asked what this had to do with the price of tea in China or the finer points of English grammar, he replied tersely if not curtly, “such a clause permits Canucks to do anything we please as long as an emergency has been declared”. He was politely thanked for his tangential contribution to the esteemed gathering of well-known windbags and hot-air enthusiasts by the Third Under-Secretary to the Snooze-Button Control Operator (seated quietly next to a somnolent-looking Secretary General who was indulging in his favorite passion — navel-gazing).

So, in the absence of an answer that everyone could live with, the powers that be sent out a 911 call on the Transcendental Meditation Hotline. Since the “Big Guy in the Sky” was busy performing miracles on 34th street, burning bushes, and whipping up loaves of bread and oodles of fish for supper that night, I took the call.

This was a fortunate stroke of fate as it turned out. Fending off one-eyed-one-horned-flying-purple-people eaters and gritting teeth like grand pooh-bahs do certainly appealed to my keen spirit of adventure. However, it seems the ornery overlords were a tad miffed at being put on hold for four and a half hours. As if that were not enough, they complained constantly about the miserable choice of mood music and weren’t at all impressed with having to navigate a newly-minted maze of dulcet toned, voice-activated digital telephone instructions, (affectionately called the “Tree of Useless Knowledge”).

Anyway after much consternation and constipated consideration, I perused the pithy pages of my encyclopedia for a hint as to how to solve this disturbing dilemma, namely, how to come up with a marvellous moniker for the new planet. After much too-ing and fro-ing, not to mention more than the occasional hemming and hawing, the answer popped out of my snorting cerebellum. Just install a big suggestion box in a mall somewhere and let everyone toss in their two-cents worth.

The names below represent a sample of those submitted (just to prove this was a fair, legitimate, and totally transparent community consultation process):

Bacchus (He puts on a terrific beer garden, organizes nifty wine & cheese affairs not to mention hosts more than a few hot-tub & toga parties)

Buddhabot (A Warp-Speed Wisdom Wonderkin)

Captain Kangaroo (A terrific child-minder on a Saturday morning)

Cleopatra (In honor of “The Queen of Face-Lifts, Tummy Tucks & Botox Injections”)

Cronos (Nominated by Father Time in honor of the “World’s First ‘Clockwatcher’”)

Cupid (He deserves a bigger and better target practise range don’t you think?)

Hades (The Daring Duathalon Dude who invented “The Burnt Barbecued Beef Challenge” and the “Walking on Hot Coals Contest” …for macho men of course!)

Hera (In honor of the “Diva of Domestic Drudgery”)

Hermes (Didn’t he invent the typewriter?)

Juno (Pays tribute to the patron saint and power-broker behind the miracle of “Immaculate Conception”)

Joan of Arc (Nominated by the “International Society of Trojan Horse Engineers” to honor the world’s first under-cover hobby-horse rider)

Leprechaun (Nominated by the “International Association of Environmentally-Friendly, Vertically-Challenged, Transparent Entities” for “exemplary conduct above and beyond the call of duty”)

Loki (”Mischief-Makers Anonymous” voted him the most popular “Master of Mayhem” for 2005!)

Poseidon (Nominated by “The International Association of Sea Monsters & Shipwrecks” for his invaluable contribution to establishing fraternal relations with the “Bathing Beauties & Mermaids Society”)

Puck (Someone has to poke fun at the folks on the newest planet in our solar system!)

Robin Goodfellow (Nominated by “The Goody-Two-Shoes Society of America & Friends” for his swarthy looks and swooning charisma, award-winning pearly-toothed smile, and unparalleled jolly-jump-up capabilities)

Satyr (In honor of “The King of Canoodling, Spooning & Romping About In the Holly-Fuds”)

Spiderwoman (A wickedly wonky weaver-of-webs if ever there was one!)

Titan (Nominated by the highly-respected “International Association of Windbags & Hot-Air Enthusiasts” as “The Next Best Thing to ‘The Big Bopper’”)

The Pit Stop At the End of The Universe (The “International Commode, Outhouse & Tinkle-Pantry Manufacturers’Association” and the “Fast-Food Franchise Owners of the Universe” recommended this planet as the best place to showcase their new cutting-edge “Cosmic Water-Closet Technology” and new veggie-burger vending machines)

Thor (In honor of the “Father of Firecrackers” who adores letting the sparks fly and putting on a great “Thunderbolt & Lightening Spectacle” every now and then!)

The Queen of Sheba (Now there’s one very ‘Saucy Sylph of Shebang’!)

Tom Dick & Harry (Nominated by “The International Association of Innocuous Individuals” because these guys are more qualified than the “Three Musketeers” to keep up with the Jones’ not to mention fill every Joe-Job going in the universe)

Vulcan (Voted “Playmate of the Year” by the “Vacuous Vixens of the Universe”)

Wink’n Blink’n & Nod (Nominated by the “European Union of Fairy Tale Writers”, “The Sandmans’ Society”, the “North-American Sleep-Deprivation Research Institute” and “Sleepwalkers’ Anonymous”)

Xena (In honor of the world’s first “Weed Whacking Wizardess”!)

Yahoo (Nominated by the “International Association of Podunk Places” for solving a pressing social problem - where to accommodate hard-to-house “Yammering Yokels”)

Zorro (An equal opportunity, incognitio, Hunky Halloween Hero)

With all the mall ballots and entries counted in the “Name That New Planet Contest”, the gruelling selection task began. After 48 excruciating hours, a talented tollbooth attendant, one Heaver Herstmonceux, (from Three Legs Town, Ohio) was declared the winner. As luck would have it, the name chosen eloquently expresses the essence of those who have made a lonely planet at the end of the universe their home.

For the nail-biting nosey-parkers who’ve been waiting anxiously for the answer so they can fill their rumor mill with the lastest gossip — quit complaining, cool your heels and hold your horses! And, if that doesn’t work, take my advice humble advice - “Get a Life!”

Okay, okay …so who do you think would dare to live on a remote “Bob-Fearing” planet at the end of the universe?

Who else …but a band of boisterous do-gooders with a devil-may-care attitude to life, liberty, and the pleasurable pursuit of puttering about (entailing a well-stocked refrigerator full of beer, frozen pizza and ice-cream — the staple diet of these casually-dressed cosmic critters).

For those who are still in a quandary, the winning entry was you guessed it …an easy-to-remember, four-lettered word that just trips off the tip of your tongue …“DAVE”!

About the Author

Ovid Publius Hadweenzic, Ph.D., a professor of profound and pithy knowledge spends much of his expandable time expounding upon the virtues and vices of playing with silly putty - a keen issue of debate in THE COURT OF THE QUIPPING QUEEN

Just Dialogue 3

By Punkerslut

It’s all jus’ dialogue!

An Interview With Truth

It is almost popular now to casually remark on the negative
effects of smoking cigarettes. “Yeah, that’s almost as dangerous
as smoking,” one teen comments about the suggestion of jumping
off a bridge. His popularity rating gained 7 points, which would
be lost when he later made the comment, “That’s almost as sexy
as a nine year old boy!” When I talked with this teen, whom
asked that his identity be referred to as “Super X,” he said, “I
really thought I was cool with the guys when I they liked my
anti-smoking remark. He made me feel like a real part of the
team, because all night, I hadn’t said anything. I was still
dreaming about that Casey Lain video I saw earlier.” Then, he
shared his sorrows with me, “They made a mistake when I said a
nine year old boy… I meant because, most of the time, nine
year old boys are accompanied by really hot, late-30’s mothers.
Now that turns me on.” Then Super X had to depart my presence,
so that he could pick up a K-Mart catalogue for children’s
swimsuits.

While flipping through the channels of TeeVee (that glamorous
fuck-box), I saw a Truth commercial. Truth, for all of you who
have selective vision and can’t see propaganda, is an
anti-smoking organization. In this commercial, they piled up
dead bodies at the corporate headquarters of some smoking
business — well, dead body bags, and I’m only assuming they had
real bodies in them because they were heavy, and the people kept
shouting through a microphone, “Do you like killing people!?!?”
In another commercial ad, they drive a van through a rich
neighborhood and blast propaganda through a microphone, “We know
you invest stock in smoking businesses!” Now… Carrying dead
bodies and blasting noise in a neighborhood at 3 in the morning,
those are only misdemeanor crimes. Honestly, these commercials
look more like pro-mischief-ism than anti-smoking. Finally, one
commercial, they talked about something like the cowboys being
killed by smoking, and then they have horses dragging body bags
(again, with the bodies), and then there was some propaganda
terms thrown at me, which I think I will only benefit the reader
by not repeating. So, just what gives? Fortunately, I got an
interview with the people from Truth. The three whom I
interviewed were John, Susane, and Charles.

John: When I think about the big smoking corporations, I see the
face of Hitler.

Punkerslut: Really?

John: Yeah, and in a few years, they’ll have the Nuremburg
Trials again for everyone who has sold cigarettes.

Punkerslut: Do you think that smoking companies should be killed
for what they do?

John: Oh, most definitely. We’re like Gandhi, we try to change
society.

Punkerslut: In less than 37 seconds of this interview, you
managed to compare smoking companies to Hitler and yourself to
Gandhi. How do you respond to these accusations?

John: I think that, the media is biased, towards smoking
companies, because all of the smoking companies control the
media.

Punkerslut: Fascinating. Susane, do you have anything to add to
this?

Susane: What I really don’t like about chemists and drug users,
though, is they act like they know what they’re talking about.

Punkerslut: When they really don’t?

Susane: Yeah.

Punkerslut: And you, Charles?

[At this point, Charles starts waving his arms around and
drooling.]

Susane: It’s been worse ever since the accident.

Punkerslut: What happened?

Susane: He was hit by a truck, and the doctors had to surgically
remove his brain.

Punkerslut: I’m so sorry.

John: A truck, I add, which was paid by the smoking companies to
do this!

Punkerslut: The truck was paid?

John: Well…. yesh.

Punkerslut: Incredibly provocative.

Susane: Charles still does our commercials for us.

Punkerslut: I would have never of guessed…. but, moving on,
what do you think about your civil disobedience towards smoking
companies?

Susane: We’re fighting an oppressive system, Punker. We need
everyone’s help we can get.

Punkerslut: An oppressive system?

Susane: Yes… well, see… Smoking is bad.

Punkerslut: Is it?

Susane: It certainly is!

Punkerslut: Why?

[At this point, the three looked at each other with blank faces.
A minute would pass before someone spoke…]

John: Because… it’s not healthy?

Punkerslut: Fascinating. What if a person wants to smoke, out of
their own liberty?

Susane: See, that’s the thing… Smoking is bad.

Punkerslut: I would say you narrowly avoided answering the
question, but watching you avoid the question is like watching a
500 pound man jump a hurdle.

John: What do you mean, liberty?

At this point, each of them gave me their idea of a Utopian
society, while I nodded my head and wondered why I thought this
would be interesting. This sort of interview is something I
would not wish upon my worst enemy. But then, we go to the next
interview…

Planet of the Apes Interview

“Planet of the Apes,” the original 1968 film, was great. Of
course, it was based on a novel, and not some script writer’s
heroin-induced dreams. That is perhaps the greatest reason why
the film itself was magnificent. However, there were some
complaints against it. In my effort to discover them, I
interviewed the fans of “Planet of the Apes.”

Punkerslut: Hello, everyone.

Jack: Hey, slut.

Dave: Yo, homie.

Punkerslut: Uh, yes… What did you two think about the
beginning dialogue in this movie? Taylor talks to Landon,
telling him about his life, saying that the main reason that he
went on the trip was to live up to his American image. Taylor,
however, thinks that he himself left Earth because it was too
superficial. What do you think of these?

Jack: I didn’t really like that dialogue. It was too complicated.

Dave: I totally agree. I think Taylor should have been like,
“Man, that would suck if this was really earth and it was
inhabited by apes.”

Jack: Yeah, and Landon could say, “Yeah, that would really suck.
And like, this whole area is called the Forbidden Zone.” And
that token black guy could be like, “Whoa, totally. Fo’ shizzle,
my shnizzle!”

Dave: See, it wasn’t really necessary for him to go off on a
tangent like that about life. He should have been focused on the
possible ape-like dangers that lay ahead of him, instead of
talking like he landed from a spaceship on a new planet, which
he did, but that’s besides the point. Like, they could have
developed an anti-Zaeis campaign with slogans and stuff, that
way they could be prepared for Ape City.

Punkerslut: Hhhmmmm, I see…. What were both of your favorite
episodes?

Jack: MY favorite episode was the third one, where Dr. Zira goes
to Earth and attends Women’s Rights meetings, gets drunk, and
wears clothing from JC Penny.

Dave: Personally, I liked the fifth episode the best. I mean,
apes living among mankind, it was like a utopia, but then those
goddamned mutants had to come out of their caves and mess
everything up. That’s why I stopped recognizing wheelchair
people as human beings.

Punkerslut: Uuuuhhhh?… well, moving on… Was there anything
about the first episode that bothered either of you?

Jack: I think the apes should have been…. you know… big
breasted.

Punkerslut: What the hell are you talking about?

Jack: Honestly, I can’t stay focused on something for more than
six seconds unless sex is in…. what were we talking about?

Punkerslut: Dave, did you have any problems with the first
episode?

Dave: Besides the beginning dialogue, I really think Taylor
should have nailed that Nova girl. He shoulda’ really thrown her
to the floor. And Dr. Zauis shouldn’t have been the chief of
science. He shoulda’ been the chief of kick ass.

Punkerslut: Uuuummmm…. anything else, Dave?

Dave: Now that you mention it, it would have been really cool if
Charleton Heston had a gatling gun in that movie.

Punkerslut: And how could a gatling gun be explained?

Dave: I ‘unno….. he brought it with him from earth.

Punkerslut: They let him bring a gatling gun with him on the
space ship?

Dave: Well, they do bring that weird ice cream on space ships. I
don’t see why a gatling gun would be different.

Punkerslut: You’re probably right.

Dave: Yeah, I am. And like, Taylor would arrive at the city of
the apes, and he would be like, “Eat lead, apes… Det det det
det det….” And like, they could explode and stuff, and the
humans would learn to talk because, you know, guns and violence
are necessary to real communication…

Punkerslut: Okay, Dave, shutup…. Final question….. Would
either of you like to see another “Planet of the Apes” movie
made? Several years back, they remade the first episode. Should
they do the same to the second episode?

Jack: Well, they tried to. That was their intention. To remake
all of them.

Punkerslut: But…?

Jack: Their first remake was so piss-poor, they decided not to
torture humanity with more sequels.

Punkerslut: It’s good to see film directors with Humanitarian
ideals. We could only wish George Lucas had the same ideals
before he made Star Wars Episode 1, or before Steven Spielberg
made AI and pissed on the corpse of Kubrick, or before Steven
Segal made any movie at all.

Dave: It’s hard being the life of a cynic, isn’t it?

Punkerslut: You have no idea.

www.punkerslut.com

For Life, Punkerslut

Copyright The Quipping Queen 2006.

DOG DITTY DAILY #5

A Motivational Moment for Misguided Masters & Mutts

Compiled by Hugo Hotagen, DDD (Duke of Doorknobs &
Doghouses), a loyal lapdog-in-training apprented to the affable,
agnostic and all-round air-headed Court of the Quipping
Queen.

A quirky, quizzical and sometimes questionable quotidian
quotation, in honor of the “Year of the Dog”, follows
herewith:

“Some days you’re the dog, some days you’re the hydrant.”

Author: Anonymous.

I can never watch any version of a Christmas Carol any more
because I keep getting bugged by one nagging question: If that
damn Bob Cratchit thinks he has it so bad with Scrooge, why the
hell doesn’t he get out there and get himself another job?

You hear so much in the story about how miserly Scrooge is with
his, but you know what? I’ll bet Scrooge must have been paying a
competitive wage for his clark. If Cratchit thought he should be
getting more for his work, then he should have found the
employer who would have paid him more and treated him better.

But he didn’t. And do you know why? It’s because he was a
slacker. Maybe Scrooge was paying less for his clarks then
anyone around him - that’s possible - but that was because no
one would pay even as much as he did. Cratchit was plain lucky
to have Scrooge pay him what he did and keep him on for as long
as he did at any salary at all.

Should we feel sorry for Bob Cratchit because he had a large
family to support? Well, who told him to have all of those kids
in the first place? I’d bet you if he and his wife had
paracticed some sound family planning and had perhaps only half
as many children, then the money would have stretched a lot
further. Anyways, he was able to put a roof over his families
head and food in their mouths. They weren’t in the poor house or
anything close to it.

But that was the thing: The guy was just a complainer. Look at
it from the Boss’s perspective. Would you want someone under you
who was always complaining about everything? Like, the office
was just too cold for Cratchit, so, of course, he has to waste
precious coal so that he can be toasty warm. What about the
company? Scrooge and Marley is paying good money for that heat,
bucko. Wrap your muffler and take one for the company. Be a team
player for a change.

Or how about all that extra time off that Scrooge’s clark kept
asking for? Back in Victorian times, Christmas was a minor
holiday at best. Nobody was really asking for Christmas off.
Most Victorians worked on Christmas so that they could have an
extra day away from their family. It would be like me asking for
Captain Kirk’s birthday off. What sane boss would grant that
request? It was the same with Christmas back then.

I get so angry at the end of a Christmas Carol. Everybody thinks
it’s so wonderful that Scrooge turns his mean, bitter life
around but all I can see is him giving this lazy Bob Cratchit a
big Christmas goose and a pay raise when he really should be
giving him a pink slip and a boot out the door.